Heart-wrecked...

Can I admit that my heart is really unsettled lately. 

For me blogging can be such a therapy.  Getting to write about our family and the ways God has blessed us is great way for me to stop and remember to be thankful.  Writing about the things God is teaching me is a way for me to get my thoughts straight and a chance to apply my learning.  But today I am just being totally honest a letting you see the craziness that is my heart lately.  I am hoping that in writing this all out that I will have clarity of mind.

So here goes nothing...

For as long as I can remember I have loved children.  When I was little my mom said I skipped barbies and ponies and went straight for the baby dolls.  By the time I was 8 I had a regular babysitting job where I would keep four kids in the basement while their mom taught piano.  In high school I spent most of my weekends babysitting for people in our church.  I loved it. 

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom.  I feel so blessed to have three healthy, vibrant, wonderfully crazy little boys. 

But still my heart is not settled.  I have said before that my heart was drawn to adoption/fostering when we went through the loss of Konner and the other 2 miscarriages.  At that point I thought it was just me wanting a baby so bad I would do anything to get one.  But then I got pregnant with Karter and I was still thinking about adoption...that is when I knew...it was a desire God put there and not just me.  I was carrying my own biological child but still thinking about rescuing a sweet child that didn't have a mom or a dad.

Fast forward 5 years and I am still here...still wondering if God is calling me to take care of the fatherless.

Let me just throw this in there.

Africa.

 

.

I have never liked Africa.  Remember I said in another post that I wanted to put my fingers in my ears when people from my home church returned from a mission trip to share their stories from Africa.  "Of all the places in the world please God do not call me to Africa", is what I always thought.  Even the blog I mentioned about Katie in Uganda...my friend Allison told me about it several months ago...when she told me about it I remember thinking...ugh Africa...I do not want to read about Africa.  Why would some girl give up her life to go to Africa? 

But late one night I read a friends post about a group called 147 million orphans that came to her church.  I was astounded by their statics and the numbers of children around the world who are fatherless.  I went to visit their sight and there it was... they were partners with Katie in Uganda.  So I clicked on her blog and I understood.  Africa...Jesus is working in Africa....Jesus cares about Africa.  Africa is where a lot of "the least of these" live.
 147 million orphans is site run by two moms just like me.  Moms with several children, but moms who have a passion for reaching out to orphans.  As I read their blogs and read the stories of their 7 adoptions I could feel the tug even more.

"God are you calling us to adopt?"  "God are you calling us to adopt from Africa?"

And this is where the heart-wrecked part comes in. 

I just don't know...

Here is the verse I read today...

"If you are serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides.  Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with things right in front of you.  Look up, and be alert to what is  going on around Christ-that's where the action is.  See things from His perspective."  Colossions 3:1-2, MSG

And this is the e-mail I recieved from a friend today...

1. God is always at work around you.
2. God purses a continuing love relationship with you that is real and personal.
3. God invites you to become involved in His work.
4. God speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, prayer, circumstances, and the church to reveal Himself, His purposes, and His ways.
5. God's invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action.
6. You must make major adjustments in your life to join God in what He is doing.
7. You come to know God by experience as you obey Him and He accomplishes His work through you.

So here I am a heart that is tired of just seeing what is in front of me.  A heart that is tired of settling for the average Christian American life...church on Sundays and Wednesdays, bible study on Mondays, and trying to volunteer when I can.  This heart wants more.  This heart wants to see what my Jesus sees and I want to help...I want to be his hands and his feet...even if it is to a sweet African child.

So would you pray with me.  Pray that God will make HIS path straight before us.