Friday, January 15, 2010

Yuck...

I am having one of those moments in life.  The moments when you come face to face with yourself and who you really are and the only thing you can say is...yuck.
I am not throwing a pity party or looking for someone to tell me that I am some wonderful person.  What I am wanting to do is just be real.  I just want to admit the things that Lord is pointing out to me...the ugly corners He has found in my heart.

Can I be honest and tell you that I get overwhelmed by the mundane things in life?  I get overwhelmed by the never ending stacks of laundry, the dishwasher that is always full, the toys that always need to be put away, and the meals that need to be made.  Maybe it is the lack of accomplishment in the mundane things...since they always need to be done again and again.  To make matters worse, when major life change happens, as has been the case for us in the past month, I get overly overwhelmed.  When that happens those ugly corners start to take over.  What is in the ugly corners?  They are full of selfishness.  The ugliest kind of selfishness that thinks only of myself and what is best for me.  The kind of selfishness that makes me feel like it is okay to be ugly or rude to my husband and family because I have endured SO much (please hear the sarcasm there).  What the Lord is showing me tonight is that when I allow those ugly corners to take over I am not gaining anything.  Truthfully, I am missing out on everything when I choose to focus on me.  Yes, the mundane things get old...but if I am not careful I will look up and that stack of laundry will be much smaller because all of my children are grown and gone.  As I read in another blog today...I will miss these times, I will miss giving baths and singing songs, hearing about football players, and picking up screaming babies.
My selfishness has never looked so ugly as it has in the past few days.  In the wake of all that has happened in Haiti, I am still thinking that my house is too small and how great it would be to have bigger closets.  My husband is losing his mom and I have still tried to make him feel guilty about not spending enough time on me. 
It is times like this when I come face to face with me that I am reminded of what a great sacrifice it was for God to send his son for me.  He sent even knowing that I would be selfish and think only of myself.  A lot of times we are willing to give to others if we know the person will get on the right track.  But God sent His son for me even knowing that their would be SO many times I would just flat fall off the track.  Thank you Lord for your great mercy...please forgive my selfishness and help me to sweep it out of my heart.

5 comments:

beechembrightspots said...

I TOTALLY understand and can relate to everything you said. I am the exact same way and then I feel guilty about it. I'm really trying to change this year...maybe we can hold each other accountable???

Flo said...

You're just keepin' it real, girl! : ) Today is a new day.....thank goodness! (PS...when I make those rolls, I'll be sure to invite....)

The Allens said...

You are singing my song, girl! last night and this morning I have been feeling sorry for myself that all i do is pick up or do laundry or unload the dishwasher and never actually get to any real cleaning for just trying to maintain while I can't remember the last time I did something for me...I'm just feeling overwhelmed and tired but in need of some new perspective of thankfulness for the clothes we have to wear that made the laundry, the food we have to eat that caused the dishwasher to be full and the precious people that make the messes for me to clean up at my house. I can't imagine not having any of them! Thanks for the reminder!

Keri said...

I think I am reading about myself here. You read Mckmama's blog didn't you? Me too. She, and you, spelled out exactly how I have been feeling and thinking a lot lately. Thank God we are forgiven.

Jennifer said...

sometimes it is just therapeutic to write and get all those feelings out and off your chest. Good for you for putting it all out there. I know I can relate to those many feelings and days. Hang in there!