Monday, January 25, 2010

Beautiful

I am a response person.  What I mean by that is simply the fact that there is something in my personality that needs a response, a reaction, some affirmation.  I often feel inadequate or feel like others are not satisfied when I don't get a response.  This is something I did not recognize in myself until my husband pointed it out to me several months ago.  I argued at first (of course) but the more time I have sat pondering just who I really am...I have decided it is true.

This morning as I thought about this I was reminded of the verses in Galatians were Paul is talking and he says..." Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? ".  Wow!  How many years of my life have I spent looking for affirmation and responses from others so that I would feel worthy, and appreciated.

The Story:

I went out of town this weekend to sing at a ladies retreat.  It was the first time I have ever left all three boys with Nathan.  I had no doubt he could handle it!


Let me insert this here- 
I have the kind of brain that likes to imagine how things will happen before they even happen.  You would think after years of doing this I would realize that nothing ever turns out the way I imagine it in my head.  Still I continue to imagine!- ok back to the story.


Nathan called several times and I could hear the usual chaos in the background.  This is when the imagining began.  You see, I started thinking about what would happen when I got home.  I had it all planned out in my head.  I would walk in the door and my husband and children would come running to me because they had missed me so much.  I imagined (ok, I hoped :) that Nathan would tell me how glad he was that I was home and how thankful he was for me.  I thought he would tell me how hard my job of being the mom is and how he could never do it as well as I do (I know my imagination is a little out of control).  But, as I am sure you have guess by now, that is not what happened.  The kids were in bed when I got home and Nathan was watching a movie.  No one ran to hug me and Nathan even said that it was an easy weekend.  He even managed a trip to Wal-Mart with all three of them and he thought that was easy as well.

Insert pity party here-  (just keeping it real folks)

Even though I know in my heart that my family is thankful for me and that they do appreciate the things I do for them, I  still started thinking to myself...wow, why do they need me?  Anyone could do my job and Nathan could probably do it even better than me.  What is the point?  Why am I always striving so hard?

Insert my time with the Lord here-

As I sat on the couch this morning I decided to confess my feelings to the Lord.  I told him that I felt like I deserved some affirmation and appreciation.  He reminded me of the verse I shared earlier.  And then He brought a song to my mind that I had listened to several times on my trip.  The song is called Beautiful by Bethany Dillon.  It is the story of a girl who longs to be beautiful and to feel worthy.  The last chorus is my favorite...it is when she realizes that Jesus is the one who makes her beautiful, He is the one she is amazed by and He makes her worthy.  Here is a link to the song if you would like to listen.



So today I am reminding myself to live a life that seeks to win the approval of my God and not men.  I am reminding myself that whatever I do whether in words or in deeds should be done for His glory and not my own.

7 comments:

Kimberpeas said...

Thank you for reminding me that we are on this earth to do God's work, not man's. I am the same as you, always searching for affirmation for the littlest things. I need to remember that all the affirmation that I need is that God loved ME enough to send His son to death in my place. Thank you for being real with us...it makes you more beautiful!!

Keri said...

Have you been reading my mind lately? Man, you hit the nail on the head for me again.

It's kinda hard to not want that affirmation when I 'create' something since it is meant to be pleasing to the eye, smell, taste, ear, etc. I will always be a work in progress. And my brain runs wild too.

Oh, and I am thankful for your friendship. :) Great post.

missbev said...

Jenna......I am so impressed with your comments here. They are thought provoking words for anyone of any age. Thank you for being so transparent.

Jennifer said...

You are so good at finding just what I need to hear. Personally I have really been working hard on making sure that the Lord is seen in me by my children. It isn't about me but that I want my kids to Love Jesus and to see how important He is. I love reading your insight...you always remind me of important things and encourage me. Thanks for sharing and being honest...I experience all if not more of those feelings at times. Keep your head up...your love for the Lord is obvious for all and your boys are proof.

Stacy said...

Great post Jenna! I think you spoke for many moms. I know I needed to be reminded of those verses. I have Colossians 3:17 posted at my sink so I can read it while I am getting mad that I am once again cleaning and everyone else is sitting. Thanks for the remainder - you are such a vessel from the Lord for other women.

Kathryn said...

love you, Jenna!

Claire said...

Jenna--I have not visited your blog in a while and have been very blessed by this post, especially! This song is, hands down, my favorite song. I love Bethany Dillon! I think that we, as women are all very much alike in that we just want to be loved, appreciated, and valued! I have been STRUGGLING this year with the very same things you describe. We have a mighty calling and it is up to us to rise to the challenge! By the way, I changed my blog to private, e-mail me your e-mail address so I can invite you to be a reader: clairejwebb@yahoo.com